My “Kinda Mari” Method
I’m drawn to minimalism for the promise of peace. However, when I try to execute minimalism it didn’t all quite work. I can tell you that I didn’t feel all that peaceful and it wasn’t sparking joy. Sometimes I’d think that the only thing that may spark around here was a match … because I wanted a totally fresh start.
As I clutch this nursing bra in my hand, I’m fairly certain I’m not feeling a spark of joy but hey, who knows, it’s been a while. Just kidding! But really, let’s be serious. How do we know if it sparks joy?
Today I’ll share my experience with the KonMari Method, then discuss the larger issues and unfold the “real why” we are longing for organization, and then move on to the practical tweaks of the system and my solutions. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll use my closet as the main example of my experience. My tips at the end can be applied to all areas of your house. The questions will prompt you and get you on the right track no matter what area you choose to start with.
So let’s get started. First off, I absolutely love Marie Kondo and I’ve read the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up multiple times. But it wasn’t fully working for me in my season of life. I had many things that flat out didn’t spark joy but that I needed or thought I needed. I felt frustrated. How do I know if this sparks joy? And what if I am certain that this doesn’t spark joy but still feel I really need it? Early in the book she mentions how her system has changed peoples’ lives, ended up with new jobs, lost weight, found the love of their life, or summoned the courage to leave a bad relationship. Basically, a promise of nothing short of a miracle. I could be so happy, so free, if only I’d get rid of my stuff! Hmm?
So I got to work and tried her method. I found a lot of the method didn’t fully click and needed more reevaluation and clarification for my needs as a multi passionate person. (Basically a mom who is not just a mom, in this case.) I tried so hard, but I wasn’t feeling like I was having any breakthroughs in my life for doing this. My life isn’t simple and the idea that I could ever have time to unpack my handbag at the end of the day, placing the contents in their own special place only to repack it all the next day seemed like a luxury I wouldn’t know for years to come. I was still nursing twin babies and had a toddler. Time goes by so fast when you are running out the door and adding something like that to my morning routine was felt completely unrealistic.
Mari Kondo starts with gathering all the items in a category. For example, if you were doing your clothes, you’d gather all your clothes your closet, the hall closet, guest rooms, or wherever they may be and bring them all out into one space like on a bed or in one pile on the floor. Then, with that large, overwhelming pile looming over you, you’d hold each item and feel if there is a spark…A happy elated feeling, if you may. If a spark doesn’t happen then the item is thanked and discarded. This is different than cleaning out one area of your home at a time. Bringing all your items together really lets you know how much you actually have. This can be illuminating and terrifying at the same time. I did this, but I found it hard to deal with such a large mess with a limited timeframe. If I get two hours of dedicated time to do one project, it feels like a win. But this method can take way more than one dedicated 2 hour time slot!
As it is, moms tend to feel like they don’t have enough time. Seeing my looming pile, was a reminder of my time scarcity. Unable to finish in one day, I’d tidy it up to get it off the bed and then bring it back out the next day. My husband is accustomed to sleeping in a bed at night so leaving the pile laying there wasn’t an option. Moving it aside and bringing it out later was an unnecessary waste of time. Now, if I’d had a weekend alone to accomplish this project, and a bottle of champagne, I would probably have been very happy sleeping in a bed of dresses! Eventually overwhelm set in and the unmanageable project made me panic. How can I tell if something sparks joy? Does this nursing bra spark joy? Nope! But would I be sad tomorrow if I didn’t have it? Yep! How about this beautiful Kate Spade dress that I got for 75% off that I wear every three years? Uh, yes…Yes it does. Yet, according to some minimalists, the amount I wear it wouldn’t fill the requirements of a keeper.
Time, space and a lack of shame are all critical to doing Marie Kondo’s method the correct way. Having my mess completely out there made me want to hurry up and I worried over every item. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been embarrassed, but I was. I’d made a huge mess that I had to live with for a week before putting it away not fully finished only to bring it back out again. Not to mention, that I had actually purchased most of this stuff. It was like building a monument to show my husband and myself all the shopping I had accomplished. Hey look how much time and money I have spent! Truthfully he didn’t care that much about the former but it is wearing to see a big mess for weeks.
Have you ever put a lot of effort in something and ended up disappointed? I think it happens to most of us. The minimalist life made a promise but it didn’t deliver. And then, I felt guilty that I didn’t do it right! And that if I had, then my overall life would be better. Maybe it sounds like I am being dramatic. Who actually believes these promises when we read these books? My guess is that most of us do.
Yes, maybe this sounds a little dramatic when I draw it all out like this. After all, it’s just a closet. But the closet is not the the real issue. The closet is merely a symbol of a larger issue.
This all brings me to my second point. My mission is to help you identify your real issue and discover your “Actual Why” and then tackle it with you. Why do you really want an organized house? Ask this over and over again until you get to the root issue. Your reasons for seeking out organization might be different from mine. But I think they all tie in to a larger part of the picture. I hope that reading this resonates and brings your own obstacles to light so that we can really get at them and get the sense of peace that we all want.
Let’s try this exercise out. Ask yourself: Why do I want a clean closet? Because I want it to look pretty. Why? Because I see how pretty organized closets look on Pinterest. Why does that matter? If it is pretty and clean then I can see what I have. Why is that important? Then I can get ready faster. Why is that important? I’ll be on time. Why does that matter? I won’t feel as stressed. Why is that important? Because I’ll feel more peaceful. Why will you feel more peaceful? Because I won’t be as rushed or as short with my kids”.
I’ve done this exercise with other women too. The answers often start out sounding similar, but end very differently, for example, having more confidence, more time, better sleep, or feeling more in control.
On some level, I think most of us do believe pursuing these goals will make us happier. We live in a culture of perfection. We seek improvement in all levels of our life. Media reinforces the fallacy that we can have these perfect lives. This contributes to our low grade feelings of dissatisfaction that you can’t quite put your finger on.
Organizing should help you! It should not be one more thing to feel guilty over because you didn’t do it right. If you are a perfectionist it can be hard to attempt her method because you wonder if you failed because you are not a lot happier after this process. Maybe you held on to too much stuff? Organization can make things so much better but it is just one piece. There is a lot more overall you need to achieve to have a peaceful life. It is not the cure that this book and many other resources lead us to believe. I do believe living with less clutter releases you from being a slave to your stuff and creates more margin in your life. More margin, by nature, leads to increased clarity. But purging, alone, won’t get you here.
This brings me to my final point. How, as busy moms, can we accomplish BIG organizing projects? How do we know if something sparks joy? What if it doesn’t feel like joy, but we need to keep the item?
Start by breaking the project up into smaller categories. Divide clothes into categories of apparel, accessories, and shoes. Micro-Categories can then be established. With a smaller subcategory you can bring it all out and evaluate without the overwhelm. Starting small allows you the latitude to stay on course or go bigger the next day. Tiny steps will ensure that you won’t give up. Small is always better than nothing. This concept is one that I fight all the time. That is why I know it to be all too true that small, day by day, adds up and large and grand plans will fizzle if they are not realistic. Allow yourself a quick win by starting with the Micro-Category, which will be easiest for you, and then continually build upon those wins until your project is completed.
By using this strategy, your time won’t be wasted on taking all the stuff out and putting it away again because you can’t finish. Once the smaller categories are done, you can go through them again on their own or divide into even more Micro-Categories. For example, those dresses that double for work or casual…you can later go back and reevaluate them. The process will eventually get easier and easier because you’ll have less to deal with and you’ll be more familiar with your things.
A couple of warnings: The lack of overwhelm may allow you to keep more than you wanted. For me, seeing every article of clothing out at once felt a bit grotesque and led to some impulse tossing. I’m not encouraging you to keep more than you want or need, but I don’t want you to get rid of something only to regret it a month later. So keep this all in mind when you are doing your evaluations.
Another place to start is to just leave everything where it is, no need to take it all out, start scanning and weeding out the more obvious discard items. If your purpose is to make space, pack up what you won’t wear for two more seasons and deal with it in another go. Get out as much as you can so your organizing goal is more manageable. It is so much easier to think clearly when you have less visual clutter. I tend to have room on the top shelf of my closet to keep the boxes that are saved for sorting in the upcoming seasons. The seasonal box should be added to your calendar a week or two before you think you’ll need the items. Do your evaluations. Place the wanted items in your closet. At this point you may have room in your closet for all your clothes or if not then you’ll want to pack up the clothes that are now out of season. A box like this can stay in your closet forever if you feel that it helps you. I find it helps a little bit. I don’t tend to have a ton packed up. Much of my wardrobe can be worn throughout the year. But, I definitely have some holiday clothes that don’t make it outside of December and summer dresses that are really only for the hottest days.
Once you have decided on where to start use these tips and strategies:
Create a box of maybes. Don’t stop sorting. If you are not sure, don’t slow down. Instead, toss it into the maybe box and come back to it at the end of the week. Let’s say at the end of the week, the fate half the boxes is determined between keep or go but the other half is plaguing you with indecision. Keep it for two months. Come back to it. If you haven’t wanted it or needed it, it is safe to let go of. It is also OKAY to keep a box of sentimental items for your kids to wear when they have 2000’s day at school. Juicy suit anyone?
Hang all the clothes that have survived elimination backwards in the closet. As you wear them then hang forwards. At the end of 6 months and again at 12 months look at what hasn’t been worn. If there is a good reason then keep it and if not consider thanking it for it’s contribution to your life and sending off to find a new life with someone who will really appreciate it.
Here are the categories I work with for apparel:
- Work Clothes
- Daily Clothes
- Athletic Clothes
- Pajamas and Undergarments
- Scarfs and Belts
- Sweaters
- Shoes
- Outerwear
- Jewelry
Assign an estimated amount of time to each category. Give yourself a little buffer before starting another category or another big task like a work or social commitment. I like to plan it on my calendar for when I will get to the task. Sometimes I can get ahead, but it’s better to plan in a margin so you can finish in time. If my goal is to sort my work clothes on Monday and I think it will take two hours, I work the 2 hours and then give myself plenty of time before planning another project. I won’t plan to start working on the daily clothes section until Friday. Knowing that I will have opportunities over the next four days to finish.
If you want to do a large category at once make sure you have twice as much time as you think you’ll need to get it done.
Tell your partner and ask for their extra support while you get this done. Neither my husband or myself like messes, but just telling him the plan and what to expect and for how long really helped get to us on the same page. The extra mess the projects create will be temporary and are always worth it in the end.
Don’t get discouraged. Projects take time. When I did the playroom I got so much done in one day. But, I had created piles of things that needed to be dealt with over the next week. There is some user error here that I should confess. I had multiple piles going to different friends, etc. If this is you, set aside a day to deliver everything and if that’s not possible, then just donate it. I’ve held on to things for months. This is big a no no. But, if you end up with some piles for just a few days to a week, then be proud that you are moving forward! But shifting one pile from one space to another is a sign that it is donate time.
Slow down enough when you are doing the process to be “with” each item. Don’t just ask yourself if it sparks joy. Close your eyes and go within with no judgement and quietly ask yourself if this makes you feel happy? If it does, then do you want it? And, if it doesn’t, do you need it? If you feel that you do need it, then ask yourself why? Is this something you can pare down on. Consider only keep 2-3 thermos cups per child and have an extra or two in case one gets left at school, broken or lost. For example I have 3 girls so I would want to have 8 for me personally. Maybe you don’t need it. Or maybe you do and you’ll have to deal with having a little more stuff than you want. Because, let’s face it, kids come with lots of stuff.
When you discard and item, Marie says to thank it for its service before donating. I think this is helpful. Sometimes we hold on to things because we feel guilty letting it go because it was a gift or expensive. Thanking an item actually made this part easier for me.
Plan easy meals during project days.
Questions to ask yourself when you get stuck:
Do I feel good when I wear this? Does it fit me most days of the month?
How often do I need to dress this way? Is it five times a week or twice a month?
How many of this particular style do I need? If I want to wear dresses in the summer three days a week and I want to repeat outfits every other week, then I’ll need six dresses like this.
Do I see myself wearing this in another season of life in the next five years?
Where do I want to be in five years?
Will it be in style in the next five years?
Does my body fluctuate often? Does it better serve me to keep it or to give it away?
Do I have something else similar and does it make sense to keep multiples?Do I need multiples?
Do I not want to discard it for a personal reason? Was it expensive or a gift? If it was expensive, and you know that you’ll never use it, then forgive yourself for the purchase and let it go. This can be a great lesson to take shopping with you in the future.
These questions will serve as prompts so you can ask yourself the questions that make sense for you. You’ll know what you need and then be able to keep and toss with confidence.
Additional Ideas to Get it Done:
Partner with a friend. There are multiple levels of this. You can commit to help each other on specified days. Your commitment can be multiple days or it can be just one. I think it is best to get started on your own and bring them in for the home stretch. Get their opinion on what you are struggling on and then fold it and put it away together. If your kids are with you, then turn on a movie and only take breaks for immediate care. I helped a friend and we got all her clothes done in one day. But, I have had a lot of practice. I could attend to the kids while my friend continued sorting and I could fold when the kiddos needed her. The urgency of kids being around, combined with the support of a friend, can be quite effective.
Ask for help. This person should know your style and appreciate it. You want someone with objectivity, but also an appreciation of your look. It should also be someone you trust and who is supportive of you. If you’ve enjoyed shopping together in the past and have similar taste, then they are probably a good choice for you. I asked one of my single friends to help me years ago. At that time we didn’t see each other that often anymore. Having a baby is like being in middle school. You have to ask your mom every time you want to go out. But, I admired her style and she was supportive. At one point, when we were younger, we met at Starbucks wearing the same coat, Ugg boots, and carrying the same purse. Her bag was larger, but still… oh, and we even had on the same earrings. And, did I mention that we have the same name? Well, it was very embarrassing when they called our drinks. What a coincidence. How can that happen you ask? Well, everyone had tall black Uggs back in the day. She had the coat first and I loved it so she got me a discount on one from where she worked. She got me the earrings as a gift years ago and the purse was pure chance. Obviously, she was a good go-to choice for me style-wise. But, she also remained a supportive friend and didn’t resent that we didn’t see each other very often. I was all set and just asked her on the last items I couldn’t decide on. This didn’t take much of her time or energy. But, it helped me and she was happy to do it. Plus we got to catch up and connect. I always bribe my friends with wine and food when I ask for help and then usually give them one of those little mason flower arrangements from Whole Foods. But, if you are doing it in trade, then the wine is enough.
In conclusion, I have so much adoration for Marie Kondo. I am grateful for her unique take on organization. I appreciate that she prays in the house before starting and thanks each item for its service before discarding. I hope that my experience with the book will help you uncover your true motivation. I’ve identified the areas I struggled with while using her philosophy and have shared my ways of making it work with my Kind Mari Method. I hope you feel more empowered to tackle your organizational projects and have a better idea of deciphering what sparks joy for you. These practical and manageable ideas will lead to results. And always remember that projects take time.
Be proud of the work you are doing. Don’t be discouraged if it goes slow. It may feel slow at first but you will look back in a month with amazement. You’d think our house would always be in order given our preferences. But it is not. It is always fluctuating. You get it all in order and then it is time to do it again because our kids continue to grow out of toys and clothes every year. But that is just fine. All is well. We have a handle on it and can find nearly everything quickly. Having children and organizing is a marathon not a sprint. Once you do the hard work up front it is easy to maintain. Please check back to see some of my organizational systems in action.
